Posted by Sherry Roit on Monday, June 29, 2015 Under: Personal
This is the 4th time I've written this. It keeps being eaten, or the last one didn't post. Is it a sign, or just pissing me off? I don't know. I HAVE TO GET THIS OUT.
I lost my fur babies today.
Strange phrase. It's because we hate saying the awful truth. I know where they are. Lost implies that they will return. Could be found.
They died. Cold hard truth.
I found Pai Pai this morning after I got up. He looked asleep. It took me a while to realize he wasn't. He'd not followed me into the bathroom or been waiting by my face for me to get up. I haven't been able to go to the bathroom alone hardly, for about 15 years.
He was still...soft.
My best friend came to help me find a nice spot for him. My man, as humans do, had obligations but was "with" me and has been all day. He is still with me.
I had a good cry. opted later for humor, and went to work. Distraction. But I was in shock, too. Pai was healthy as far as I knew. Fine, just fine. I was trying to accept that maybe I'd never know why. It was so bizarre. It looked like he simply went to sleep forever. Cats are masters at hiding issues. Survival instinct. They adapt until they can no longer adapt.
Loki may have been a bit confused before I left about having the run of the place. And he had a short spell. Dizzy? I didn't know. Then just fine. He ate a bowl of wet food. Affectionate. Okay. Off to work.
I came home a few short hours later. He greeted me. Talking (he spoke several languages, thought I was his real mother) purring, pet me pet me. Cuddles.
But then he started breathing hard. Then he wouldn't eat tuna. HE LOVES TUNA.
Tried to puke.
He started panting. He never does that. I knew. I could do nothing after a while. He didn't want to be held. He was restless. I know how they are. They want to go off and hide.
He went into the other room. I had already texted my friend and boyfriend. They knew, though didn't say just then, either. They were with me when it happened, as it were. Strings of texts from my man, I could hear his tone. It let me know he was there. I think he cried, too. He loved them, too.
I knew a vet wouldn't matter. I just knew in my gut. I was already ugly crying. I was asking the universe to make it quick. Don't let him suffer hours, or even days. Not minutes. I begged. I had actually said it that morning after the strange spell. I guess I knew even then. Just let him sleep. Don't let him suffer.
Forgive me but this may be slightly graphic. I have to get it out. I must. To cope. To process. Accept.
It wasn't exactly a seizure. He was fighting. And trying to run away from "it." I think he couldn't breathe. I think he strained very hard. He was all over the place. I've never seen an animal...move... Like that. Just...I can't say it. I cannot unsee this. I never will. It is the most terrifying horrible awful thing I've ever seen. He was positively all over the place, feet at a time. So. Fucking. Awful.
I'm traumatized. But...Loki suffered more. And I'm alive.
I ugly ugly cried and made myself watch as I could, to tell him I was there, to tell him he could let go. I begged and begged and begged for it to stop, just let it be over. I almost screamed once or twice, I think. Maybe I did.
He went so very stiff. And it was so very messy and ugly and I couldn't touch him for the longest time, it was so fucking awful. He must have been so scared and in pain and oh my god.
I reached out to you, then. He was still warm when I typed. Many of you gave me your love and I thank you for it. I needed it. I couldn't do it alone. I was weeping, but I typed, I don't always reach out, but I needed you and you answered. It hurt so much.
I LOVE YOU.
My best friend to the rescue again. We found a nice place for Loki. A crow kept calling out. Like a sign.
I've been philosophical since then, and my friend distracted me with drinks and food. But then I came home, and it's too FUCKING quiet. No talking. Purring. No Pai Pai squeaks. I've ugly cried again, and trickled and leaked again, and it comes and goes.
Too quiet. Loki would always answer me. We'd talk back and forth. About what, I didn't always know. Sometimes I did. But he knew. And he was happy.
I'm missing Pai fierce right now, too, because usually he'd be rubbing against my feet while I sit and type. He's not. He's not here.
Some think Loki died of a broken heart because he was second. I do believe that can happen. But grief doesn't go the way this did. He suffered. SUFFERED. It probably wasn't so long, but it felt like forever. I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel guilty all the same. I couldn't do anything. One second of suffering was too much. He was so sweet.
I've decided that Pai Pai knew. He went first. He was very close to Loki when I found him. Other side of the baby gate I often kept up in later years, because though they had always been cuddle buddies and playmates, eventually they started vying for dominance. It seemed neither ever won. Sometimes I'd take the gate down and supervise. They'd touch noses and meow and be nice. I was the alpha.
Even still. They always swatted and kissy faced through the gate. They had a bond I've never seen. They were also personalities I've never felt, before. They were...higher beings. My BFF thinks so. I think he's right.
Pai Pai knew. They were nose to nose as much as they could be, when I found him. Loki seemed to have already accepted that Pai wasn't waking up. I think Pai Pai knew that Loki was going to die. He went to sleep first, and waited. He wanted to be there to comfort and embrace his brother, after such a scary end.
I like to think that. It might even be true. I think it could be. I will never truly know. But I do think they are together. One couldn't live without the other, that much is probably true. Pai Pai was very intuitive. He really may have known that his brother was going to meet his awful end sometime soon. I even think in his way, Pai Pai prepared me, as well.
It's some comfort, at least. And I had 15 years with these amazing beings. That's damned good odds for a cat.
I think of how, if I had been busier at work, I wouldn't have had to watch Loki die, perhaps. But...it's right that I did, no matter how horrifying. To bear witness was the least I could do. In fact I could have stayed at the shop, but I kept having this nagging feeling I wanted to go home and see Loki. Paranoid? Sure. That could have been it. Premonition?
I got to cuddle him one last time. Brush him. Talk to him. And tell him that it was okay to be with his brother. Where I'm sure they don't fight any more. Or if they do, it's just for fun, as I suspect sometimes it might have been when they were alive. Not always. But sometimes.
I will miss you forever, boys. Thank you for having me. I'm crying again. One day maybe I won't. Maybe one day I will look into the eyes of another creature and see you there.
I'd like that. Come find me. I'll wait. Give me some time, though.
In : Personal
Tags: grief death cats
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